Letters to Lamont

Dear, dear, dearest Lamont

2010-12-26T22:01:00.001-08:00

I hate myself.

I've really let everything fall apart. About 3 months of depression, about 5 of lifestyle changes due to work and I've. just. fallen. to. pieces.

My body is paying for it.

Craving sweets. Salty. Nothing healthy. Feeling boaty.

Gaining weight, holy shit. It's just piling on. I look terrible, but I feel worse.

I'll be coming back more. I need to figure out childcare, but once I have that set I'm there.

In the meanwhile I'm doing at least one 10 minute workout on exercise TV every day. It's not much, but its something I can manage through the fat fog of depression.

I'm also setting up other rewards. If I track my food and keep it to 1600 cals (+ or - 100) every day, drink my water and do at least my 10 minutes then every 2 weeks I'm gonna okay it with myself to buy a $10-$15 treat from sephora, lime crime or sugarpill.

I miss my damn hip bones.

*sigh*

Disgustingly yours,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-11-27T09:06:00.000-08:00

Today marks my one year anniversary of meeting you. So I'm laying all my cards on the table.

I've settled into a 2 or 3 month long fog of depression, I've gained 8 lbs due to a non-existant exercise regime, even though my eating hasn't been horrible.

But I haven't skated in a month.

So where I am is still unbelievably smaller than I have been since junior high, but bigger than I was 5 months ago.

My amazing Burly arms are sadly normal.

My peek-a-boo-abs that were almost there in the correct lighting... those just disappeared in the last few weeks.

But what can disappear in a week, a month, 6 months, can also be found again in a week, a month, 6 months. I'll be back.

Our anniversary is important to me. On this day a year ago I began seriously thinking about my heath, envisioning myself as strong, beautiful, chin-free. Today I am returning to our goal- a lifetime of healthy choices. You don't just lose weight, it's constant work. Kind of like a zombie movie- you gotta constantly keep shooting the bastards and boarding things up or else they'll creep in through a window, a crawl space, and then you have a score of other problems.

Okay, maybe not. But I'm scared enough of the undead that the visual of my sedentary ass being damned and after my braaaaaiiiiiins might actually work in the motivation department.

What I am saying is this: I need to move. Even when I'm depressed movement can lift me out of myself, and I just need to push past the feeling that I need to be in my bed avoiding everything. It won't be easy- if it was, I wouldn't walk around like a shell of a person at all- I'd snap out of it. But I've found that saying it out loud, identifying the problem is helping. Giving it weight.

Today I am recommitting myself to my new size 10 jeans that another pound from now will not button or zip. I'm recommitting myself to bear crawls with my children in the yard and making growling noises while we do. And dammit, I'm recommitting myself to fiber one cereal, yogurt and 8 glasses of water a day. Because this shit is bananas.

Happy anniversary, you've saved my life. See you in class again soon, I promise.

Love,
Burly

When we met.

Last Weekend

Dear Lamont,

2010-07-06T12:03:00.001-07:00

I have finally learned moderation. I eat what I want, but smarter now. I've been looking at the bigger picture, and planning in my favorite things instead of avoiding them. Pancakes aren't as big of a problem as they used to be if I stick to two and use fruit instead of syrup on top. I can do the whole fast food thing if I know the nutritional value before ordering and plan my day accordingly around my filet-o-fish and small fries (660 cals, and thats with BBQ sauce to dip the fries in). And I share my fries.

Its pretty amazing, because I don't feel deprived and 1,500 calories doesn't seem so small anymore. I said "I want pancakes BAD" to a friend on Saturday and she responded "Those DEFINITELY aren't on your diet..." and I didn't know how to tell her that I'm not on a diet without sounding smug.

I just weigh the worth of the foods I eat now. I'll load up on fiber one cereal, veggies, fruits and lots of water so that when the opportunities arise to indulge I have some wiggle room to enjoy my palate. That is probably the biggest factor in my almost 40 lb weight loss. Sure I could probably drop it faster if I stuck to a diet, and didn't have a Frosty when the mood strikes but it wouldn't be a promise I could keep. (a small one is 330 Calories- one of the lowest calorie milkshakes- Starbucks Mocha Light Frapuccino is a better bet.)

I can promise myself, however, that I'll fuel myself adequately using a nutritional tracker and still enjoy a few treats in between the carb, protein, fat and calorie counting.

Satiated,
Burly

Dear Lamont, Leotard Redux

2010-02-20T10:51:00.000-08:00

Now I'm really hoping you don't read this blog. I'm sure you'd make me do pull ups or some other impossibility for posting this ridiculousness. But success is success and you can't argue with results, even when they are a little silly.

A lot silly.

The mayor of Sillytown.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-02-20T10:18:00.001-08:00

Scale is broken. Read 90 lbs a few days ago, and then 245 the next day and then yesterday it was 198. If it doesn't read like 15 lbs today I'm throwing it out. I didn't come here to be insulted, I came here to be lied to, oh water-damaged scale friend. Don't tell me what I don't wanna hear if you aren't gonna feed me the truth.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-02-16T20:51:00.000-08:00

Fat Tuesdays are followed by Guilty and Bloated Wednesdays.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-02-11T23:45:00.000-08:00

Rewards, rewards, rewards!

I've lost 20lbs, I've managed to really change my eating habits so that even my binge eating is on a smaller and less devastating scale, and I have cleaned out my entire closet and have no wearable clothes.

I think I was due for a totally frivolous and ridiculous reward.

Enter the Forever 21 Leopard Print Thong Leotard.

I haven't felt great about my body even though it has completely changed, all I ever see is the inches left to be lost around my tummy thanks to two children and years of yo-yo dieting, the muscles still underdeveloped to my taste, the way I think I should look starkly contrasted against the girl I look at in the mirror. Stupid, because I weigh less than I have since I exited my teens, but I never claimed not to be neurotic. Anyway, this little leotard has helped me to almost entirely reverse that.

Firstly, I bought it at Forever 21, which means that I fit in clothing from Forever 21. WTF? Second, It is fitted. Because it is ridiculous I didn't care about my muffin top or my extra bulges and creases- If I looked bad it looked like I did it to be ironic. You don't know how freeing it is to wear tacky clothing.

I ended up skating in this tonight with some electric yellow tights, leg warmers and a belt, channeling my inner 1980's fitness bunny and it did wonders for me. Not only did I skate better (when you dress awkwardly, you have to skate well to back it up...) but I felt sexy and beautiful and powerful. It was kind of a breakthrough moment.

I'm glad I didn't buy anything sensible today to celebrate my 20th pound lost, that would have just been silly.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-02-08T14:09:00.000-08:00

The other night I was in an interesting predicament. I don't know how to not stress eat. I made a post on facebook about it- what do you do when you're stressed and all you want is a milkshake?- and I got a lot of the usual- eat something healthier, have hot cocoa or tea and things like that- and that is all great advice, all things I do regularly. (Haven't had a milkshake since I met you, my life is a series of substitutions these days.) HOWEVER, that wasn't really my question.

How do I not stress eat? What button do I need to switch to keep my instant reaction to stress or depression eating? Just swapping the go-to milkshake for a 100 calorie pack doesn't solve the problem, it just makes it less devastating while reinforcing the behavior.

I ended up going to bed early to avoid temptation. Plus, Doug was making chorizo and bacon and eggs and hash browns for breakfast burritos to take to work. All of my weaknesses at once, coupled with stress and a strong desire for chocolate. BAD.

It really bothered me, though, that everyone had the usual substitution answers but no real solutions to stress eating. Is there no real answer? Am I stuck going to bed early whenever I am having a hard time dealing with life?

-Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-02-05T11:06:00.000-08:00

175.8

I weighed 177 at my lowest before I had kids.

Holy Shit!

<3
Burly

PS... its called Budgeting.

I had my vodka cream sauce with italian sausage this week. But I also had my salad for dinner. Learning that I can buy my expensive dress but I'll have to admit I won't be able to afford gas to get anywhere if I want to splurge.

Dear Lamont,

2010-02-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

Felt pretty good about myself today. Even though I had a pretty calorie laden lunch (PMS, whatyougonnado? Kimmy can't say no to Penne pasta with vodka cream sauce and Italian sausage. I'd rather starve the rest of the day. Which I did.) I ate a simple salad for dinner.

I considered just giving up and not counting calories the rest of the day, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Only 145 over my daily amount, so I think I'm doing pretty swell. Or swollen. Bloated, even. whatevs.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-02-03T11:11:00.001-08:00

Cleaned out my closet. Have 6 bags of too-big clothing. Am currently naked because I don't have anything that fits. At least I look good.

Thats almost not true, my mom did buy some shirts for me yesterday- all Mediums. I've never been a medium, are you kidding me? This girl has steadily been LARGE or LARGER. I had to nix a few of the shirts though.... come on, who puts a light colored stripe right on the muffin top area of a shirt? Bad taste, folks! When I no longer have a muffin top I am getting a blueberry muffin tattoo there to commemorate it and remind me to not let it become truth again. Plus, blueberry muffins are just really fuckin' cute. If I can't eat em I might as well wear them, right?

That's not all truth either. I ate a blueberry muffin the other day. Fiber One has some tasty muffins that don't undo my day for under 200 calories. I'll take it. I like fiber. I like muffins.

Know what I don't like? Everyone eating Pizza around me lately. You'll be pleased to know I ignored it and made myself a healthier option once I got home.

You won't be pleased to know that I had some Doritos, but jalepeno popper flavor? F that, I can't NOT eat those, but I only ate 10 and took the 150 calorie hit. Life isn't worth living if I can't try all the new flavors of Doritos.

Sorry about Friday, looks like I'm not crocheting fast enough so I can't afford you this week. When the tax return comes in, I'll be sure to set myself up with at least the rest of the month. Hella lame. I promise I won't slack, but I can't promise that I'll do globe jumps without you there to push me further.

Well, that's all. I'm gonna go flex in front of a mirror with my magnifying glass and look for muscles. I'm hella ripped.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-02-01T18:08:00.000-08:00

I just picked up two tacos and a quesadilla from El Unico. Two tacos that were not for me. Wanna talk about self control? Because I don't, I'd rather talk with my mouth full of tacos. I'll go eat my apple instead. I can smell the carne asada on my husbands breath, though. Does kissing someone with taco breath have any calories?

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-02-01T09:10:00.000-08:00

My arms and shoulders are STILL killing me. My legs hardly even felt it, though. This tells me that I am so disproportionately strong and weak that I'm spending all my energy trying to get my arms to keep up and my legs aren't getting the workout they need. I guess the only way to fix this is to get stronger, but in the meantime that kind of blows. The only reason I couldn't do more weight in the dead-lifts was because I couldn't actually hold the weight, it wasn't my legs giving out.

You'd think lugging around two gigantic children all day would count for something. Nothing. A big fat nothing, Lamont. They need to earn their keep!

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-30T20:20:00.000-08:00

A haiku:

Cream cheese frosting is
Tasty atop red velvet
A Slippery Slope.

Love,
Burly

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I'M EATING YOUR CAKE FOR YOU! I know... I know. I'll go do push ups now.)

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-28T23:41:00.000-08:00

What I need is comfort food, a big ass fried chicken breast or some meatloaf.

What I'm eating is 2 veggie burger patties with ketchup.

My period hopes you're happy.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-26T22:01:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh, I just saw myself on TV and I think I probably need to do more chin exercises. I thought that extra chin was gone, but it was just hiding, waiting for a camera crew to reappear publicly. Kind of like Britney Spears, but you know, more chinny.

Back on track in a major way today, by the way.
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-25T22:00:00.000-08:00

I don't wanna talk about it.

<3,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-23T22:41:00.000-08:00

We're not even going to count calories right now. Went to a friends wedding, ate a lot of m&m's before dinner, ate my cake, ate my way through the night. But it was a wedding, and I don't think my quality of life would be where I want it if I can't have fun and forget that I'm on a health kick now and again. This is the first time since the holidays that I've officially gone way over my calories for the day, so I'd say it was well deserved and I'll be back on it tomorrow.

Here's to hoping the pile of Andes Mints doesn't show up in my gut tomorrow for team photos. I'm cool with getting whats coming to me, but oh boy I hope it puts it off for at least the next 16 or so hours.

The real thing here is being okay with having a night of eating without letting it ruin what I've done. We'll see, but I think I'm finally strong enough not to let this bog me down for the rest of the week.

-A very satisfied Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-22T19:25:00.000-08:00

Oh boy do I ache, but I know its worth it. Its worth it, right?

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-21T23:49:00.000-08:00

Tonight I pretended to be you.

Wait, that sounds creepy.

I channeled my inner Lamont and led not one but TWO workouts with the team. That's two hours of emulating your workouts.

That said, if I'm in a lot of pain and unable to move for you tomorrow, well, you know what I got up to.

So should I name my personal training whiz-kid franchise Burly of Steel or Body by Burly?

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-19T22:08:00.001-08:00

Rain makes me lazy. I got halfway though my homework and just sat down, never to get up again.

You can give me my push ups now.

Or not now, maybe when I'm a little more motivated. Because tonight its all about me, my butt and this sofa.

Regards,
Burly

P.S. I was doing really well, I even beat my previous "record" on the globe jumps, which you know I hate. So that almost counts. Give me 25 push ups instead of 50, k? K.

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

Today I got compared to Hayley Mills. Specifically Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap. I'm going to take this as a compliment- not as 'there's so much blonde in here its like there are two of you'- and attribute this to my weight loss uncovering my girlish features.

She was right, you almost can't tell which one is me, and which is Hayley. I can't believe that I actually was part of such a monumental Disney film.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-18T09:15:00.001-08:00

First bout of the season and, well, we lost. By a lot. BUT... oh and this is a big but(t... snicker) I was skating without getting winded, and I had my own little moment of personal breakthrough and glory- someone fell in front of me and without though, i just jumped the fuck over her.

No really, it was like, legit. I think I'm officially really a derby skater now. It was so freakin' cool. All of those sucky, sucky power jumps totally have paid off.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

Losing weight is a learning experience. Tonight I learned not to bring hummus and carrots into the house and expect to not go overboard. Oh boy Fresh and Easy has a good hummus.

Post-hummusly yours,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-12T21:42:00.000-08:00

Feeling pretty sick- I do fine when I'm not eating but no matter the food its given me trouble all day. I also realize I'll be bouting in just a few days, so I did the short version of your homework- 30 seconds instead of a minute. I'm currently drinking tea and trying to calm the tummy, but at least I did something. Its better than eating crackers and drinking ginger ale and hating the world for giving out stomach viruses. Even sick, I feel myself jumping higher on the globe jumps. That's pretty spiffy.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-12T09:20:00.000-08:00

I have a stomach something. I'm okay if I'm sitting, a mess if I'm moving and generally feeling icky.

I was really conflicted leaving early last night from practice, it feels like failure even though i can't control what my body does when I'm sick. And I know there would have been puke had I stayed.

Ugh.

Just ugh.

-Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-10T23:34:00.001-08:00

Be faster, grow stronger, eat smarter.

Right. So those are kind of goals in my mind. You wanna know what else is bouncing around in my mind? Your voice. Eat smarter is not even an option to ignore nowadays. I hear you saying "Fried macaroni and cheese? Thats crazy." and I just can't do it.

Tonight it was pizza. As you know, I had my Al's Cafe fix for the month this afternoon. So I had roughly 400 calories left for the day, in other words. The problem is that on Sundays we go to my grandma's and order take out and totally pig out and laugh at everything under the sun.

Tonight was a pizza night, and there was no way of getting around it, so Amanda and I offered to pick up the pies and on our way, dropped into the grocery and bought some leafy greens, cucumber and fake chicken. I didn't think I'd have the willpower to do it, we're talking Hawaiian pizza- food from heaven. But I remembered your no carbs at dinner thing and after staring longingly at the open box of saucy-cheesy-pineapply-canadian-bacony delight, I backed away and piled more salad and soy product on my plate.

And I came out 50 calories under my daily allowance. Can I get a hell yeah?

Thing is, I'm really liking that when I step on my scale it flirts just a little with 179 before it finally decides I'm 181. Those 170's have been elusive for years and I'm pretty amazed that I'm almost there. I'm excited that my 12's are requiring a belt and when those are gone I'll HAVE to shop because I have never worn anything smaller than a 12 since I was 12. And that fake chicken wasn't so bad, and at 80 calories for half a package I think its my new favorite thing in the world. So I was able to summon up the willpower at the end of the day that I didn't have earlier. I know that I'm going to slip up and make bad choices, but I guess that the whole point of adapting to a new lifestyle is letting myself making bad decisions, only being better at it.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-10T13:59:00.001-08:00

I didn't just eat that Philly Cheese Steak from Al's Cafe. And by 'didn't' I most assuredly mean 'did'...

So I guess It'll be a salad for dinner again.

Delightfully fulfilled,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-10T10:08:00.000-08:00

Just found out we're taking team pictures in a few weeks.

I think I need to go do my homework. These arms are NOT ready for the photographer.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-08T22:08:00.000-08:00

Remember how we did that whole throwing the 10lb medicine ball thing where I was on the floor crunching up? Yeah, so do I. Now, I forgive you, but these arms... well, they may not.

Unable to move,
-Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-08T15:56:00.000-08:00

What should have sucked was totally awesome. I hate those suicides. I hate those One Two Threes. Oh dear lord, I hate those push ups and then running it out. But wow, today I was able to do them without blacking out and seeing stars. Apparently I am improving.

Thanks for noticing, I appreciated that you reinforced this for me. You don't know how much.

I still feel like I got hit by a truck, though. I guess if I didn't ache it wouldn't be worth paying you for, right?

-Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-06T18:14:00.000-08:00

I love that I can pig out more if I eat healthier things.

You don't wanna know how many whole wheat reduced fat cheese quesadillas with Chick'n Strips I just had. Because I had to eat them. To hit my daily calories mark. Heck yeah.

Love,
Burly

P.S. Okay, it was two, but shut up, it felt decadent.

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-04T21:51:00.001-08:00

I think you're on to me...

But I'll have you know mister "So you can write that in your blogs..." that I'm eating an apple and peanut butter right now. NOT an milkshake and fries like my brain is telling me I want.

So you can hint around that you know about me and my blogging all you want, but this girl- cheddar burgers aside- is on a straight and narrow path to becoming Shakira.

Minus the rhythm. And you know, general likeability.

BUT THOSE ABS ARE GONNA BE MINE.

Cordially,
Burly

P.S. I owe you for being a dork and not remembering to tell everyone to bring their money tonight for you. Okay, I owe you 3xhowever many girls we had there tonight. But instead I'll pump up your Central Valley's Greatest Loser gig, hows that?

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-04T15:25:00.001-08:00

Yeah, I did it. And it tasted GOOOOOD.

And I even did manage to almost block you from the back of my mind until I took my first bite. Then I made some adjustments and went back to my happy place. And then once I was in the Safety Dance video, I finished eating my Cheddar Burger from Cosmopolitan with just one half of the bun, and lettuce on top.

And it was good.

Gonna go do my push ups now.

Love,
Burly (Who can't believe that she let the cat out of the bag about her happy place.)

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-03T23:22:00.000-08:00

Doing 50 pushups to see if I can do them before I go and do the thing I'm planning on doing tomorrow (that involves cheddar cheese) which I know will wind up in me doing 50 pushups for you. If I can't do them now, I most assuredly won't be able to after the stuff I plan on puttin in mah belleh at lunch.

We'll see how this goes.

Burly

EDIT: Yeah, I did em. I almost didn't make it past 45 but I summoned my inner Burly and pushed out 5 more in the name of cheddar.

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-02T17:26:00.001-08:00

I'd type more but it hurts to move.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2010-01-01T22:37:00.000-08:00

Ate a HUUUUGEEEE lunch that was actually breakfast foods. Ate a healthy dinner with lots of spinach.

Walked for a few hours with the kids and the dogs.

And realized my quads hate stationary bikes for 10 minutes.

I'm only 200 calories over, but I burned a crapload of calories in return. Negate this, hashbrowns and mini pancakes!

See you tomorrow!

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-31T21:38:00.000-08:00

Someday I'll stop being surprised that its dirty lady time, and I'll stop beating myself up over the cookies and the candy and the salt, oh lord the salt, and I'll be able to eat a normal amount instead of eating like its the end of the junk food supply.

So happy crappy crampy New Year's Eve. First a cold, now this. At least I feel (almost) justified in those dutch cookies I just ate.

So anyway, its New Year's Eve, and I guess its as good a time as any to lay out some good goals for 2010.

Stop the crazy eating days (BTW, i just counted up the calories.... I totally only went over by 150 calories! Do I know how to eat cookies within limit or what?)
Get into a size 10 (I was 11 years old and in size 12 jeans.)
Walk with the kids at least once a week, if not twice.
Run weekly
Join a CSA
Crochet more to be able to pay for YOU to kick my ass.
Win a big rig truck in an Arm Wrestling Championship.
Stop instinctively feeling my chin to see if its grown every time I order something at Starbucks that isn't "Skinny"
Make it to Derby at least once a week, optimally twice.
Look great in a leotard with leg warmers, co-star in music video with Olivia Newton John.
Stop using words about people that I wouldn't want used about me.
Yoga. I know its probably not your thing, Mr. Cardio, but I miss it.
Sleep more and better.
Skate better and faster.
Hit harder.
Live well.

I hope you have a Happy New Year, I'll see you Saturday when you can remind me that I shoudl have been doing my homework all this time and I can whine in pitiful pain while sloppily doing a power jump.

Cheers,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-31T10:38:00.001-08:00

Apparently I'm binge eating smarter too, these days. I'm down another pound. I even stepped on the scale like 7 times to make sure it was correct in reading 182.6. This means I have hit my 10 lb mark. Can't figure that one out, but whatever, I'm not complaining.

BTW, I still need to read a chapter from my book because yesterday I think I just gave up on counting calories after the third 3 Musketeers bar. This chapter is called "Tackling Triggers."

Maybe it'll offer some advice on, you know, NOT keeping fun size candy bars in your freezer.

Because that would really make sense.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-30T20:07:00.000-08:00

I miss you. Its been 3 weeks since I've seen you, and even though I've been working on my own, you know, and I know that I haven't been working that hard.

And I just had an incident with the pretzel sticks and peanut butter. The local authorities have been notified and its now against my parole to come within 100 feet of the pantry.

I was on Central Valley Buzz with Chuck and Joey today and well... lets have ab day soon, okay? Next time I go on there I wanna wear a leotard with a hole cut out for my six pack.

Tralalalala, I'm gonna go dance to the Wiggles with my son and pretend its a challenging workout. Lets never be apart again, okay?

Wiggling in all the wrong places,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-29T22:38:00.000-08:00

I've decided that every day that I over eat (and I don't mean by like, 100 calories or whatever, I mean, like... won't stop going into the kitchen and eating orange flavored chocolate from the Christmas stockings) I will be reading a chapter out of a book on nutrition, fitness, or weight management. Remember, I'm a reader, so my collection of books on weight loss is much more impressive than any actual weight loss I've ever managed.

Needless to say, this was prompted by my desire for chow mein, and my discovery of those chocolate oranges (OH MY GOD, HOW HAVE I LIVED SO LONG WITHOUT THEM?!) so tonight I'll be reading Session Four from Healthy Eating Every Day. Ironically, the chapter is called "Identifying Barriers and Benefits"...

Whatever. That chocolate was effin' gooooood.

Identifying the Barriers and Benefits,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-29T09:35:00.001-08:00

Why is it that I never get the kind of sick where you drop 18 lbs in a day? I have a cold, and all I want when I have a cold is kung pao chicken and chow mein noodles.

I'll pace myself, but no guarantees.

Snottily yours,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-28T23:33:00.001-08:00

I'm a freakin' stud.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-28T07:50:00.000-08:00

I looked down this morning and realized something was different. My chin didn't scrape against my neck! Doug even commented yesterday on my long slender neck. At first I thought it was a creepy compliment, like he might have some weird giraffe fetish, and frankly, I'm too broke to buy any more costumes. Then I looked in the mirror and there it was- my NECK! Not my bulky head-holder-upper that I've been used to, but this gorgeous pillar connecting my slightly more defined jaw to my lazily undefined (yet still less chubby) shoulders. I guess this means I need to break out the dumbbells today and pick back up on the work we started before our Christmas break...

Also, I apparently didn't go as overboard as I'd feared, as I have lost another pound this week.

183.6. One more pound will be my first 10 down. I'm 18 lbs away from what my driver license says. I can finally commit myself to a lifestyle of truth telling once I have achieved this.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-27T22:11:00.000-08:00

I want to talk to you about stockings. Not the slutty kind I'll be strutting around in about 4 lbs from now, but the kind my mother in law fills to the brim with candy every Christmas.

We're a family of four, but half of the family is under mass-candy-consumption age. We had 4 stockings of candy, and when these were emptied into a wal-mart bag, it barely tied closed at the handles.

It took a good amount of willpower to sort through, pull out the fruit rollups and peanuts for Cary's snacks, as well as a few Three Musketeers and Special Dark fun sized bad boys for my dirty lady time (I'd buy them anyway, except the full sized bar and then hate myself all day for not being able to have just a bite). But I did it, packed them up and sent them to work with Doug so he could enjoy them at his leisure, be popular among his colleagues and more importantly, get the Reeses, Milky Way's and peppermint patties out of my greedy grasp.

I don't want her to stop doing this- someday when my kids become, well, kids they'll love it and it'll be a treat since we don't keep candy around. Grandma will be a hero, and I love those little traditions. However, it seems like these things just keep coming up, testing me. I was able to refrain from eating my own weight in chocolate sexheaven this time, but I don't know if I can every time.

Side note- I'm sorry I haven't been on top of the strength training stuff. My underarms feel pretty gross and I know I should really especially be doing stuff for my triceps, because if I don't you will, and its gonna be major armdeath. Same goes for abs. Problem is, my carpet smells bad and until I steam clean it next week I am afraid to get too close. Crab walking, crunching, and oh dear god planks are kind of hard to do when you're afraid of your own flooring.

Now that you're thoroughly disgusted by my slovenly home life, have a great day!
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-26T12:38:00.000-08:00

I am back on track! My dad is picking up Al's Cafe for lunch and I'm not even getting the Philly Cheese Steak (even though it is my mostfavoriteintheworld) and instead opted for a salad. Take that Christmas! You won't ruin my plans for a gut that doesn't wobble that easily!

-Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-26T08:51:00.000-08:00

Without incriminating myself, I will admit to overeating, it tasted great but felt horrible. I actually found myself cursing the holiday and unable to wait to get back on track with my normal food, which I suppose is a breakthrough for me. I still had no self control whatsoever when it came to Doug's mom's cottage potatoes.

I don't know if that is something I'll ever get rid of though, I overeat. I shove so much down my gullet that it surprises me that it all fits. Its got to be a lot like being an alcoholic. Unfortunately, food as a habit is kind of one of those things that no one really takes that seriously. Its not like family will put out the O'Douls of the food world on Christmas because the foodaholic is there, they'll keep on keepin' on with the sausages and potato salad. In fact, I had to plead with my mother in law to only serve up a single piece of pumpkin pie on my plate- which I would have gladly eaten if it were in front of me. Deep dish pie? Yes, please!

So there you have it. I ate poorly, I won't do it today, and probably not tomorrow either, but for now, that's all I can foresee. Now to eat some fiber and fuck my shit up with crunches, pushups and your eternally evil power jacks!

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

I'm not even gonna write you for the next two days, you'll smell the onion dip and German sausage and Hawaiian meatballs and baklava on my breath. Going on a futile run tonight to burn a few calories preemptively. (hahahahahahahayeahright)

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-23T12:02:00.001-08:00

Where is my energy? Isn't this whole "healthy lifestyle" business supposed to be filled with energy? And with all the fiber and spinach (and other things that I used to ignore in hopes that they'd just go away) in my diet, I feel like I should be bouncing off the walls like my toddler. He lives on chicken nuggets and pancakes and crayon wrappers. Apparently his diet works for him.

Of course, sleeping solidly for more than 4 hours at a time would probably help. Send that memo to the 10 month old who LOVES playing at 1 AM.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-22T21:13:00.001-08:00

All the snippy remarks and witty retorts aside, I really hate myself right now. Not going down that road again. Panda can keep their Express to themselves.

Working out like its going out of style,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-22T20:59:00.000-08:00

I hope you keep in mind that I have been eating like a fat girl my whole life, and the last 4 years, more often than not I've been eating like a pregnant fat girl. Habits are pretty hard to change, but I'm trying.

Sopleaseforgivethepandaexpresstonightthanks.

That said, I did only go 73 calories over my daily limit.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm crazy. I say this only because I'm starting to see things your way, and I know you're crazy- you say so yourself every time you introduce a new workout. But in all honesty, I am really getting a kick out of putting the proper fuel in my body. I've been using a calorie counter online and it also gives graphs of RDA/AI so I can keep track of how I'm doing on Carbs, Fiber, Protein and all of the vitamins and minerals. I just really, really geeked out over the hike in my Vitamin C when I added just 3 extra-large strawberries to my cereal.

You're probably not that impressed, and you may give me wall squats for just being a dummy and not realizing that strawberries are a source of Vitamin C, but whatever... going back to my breakfast. I'm not even going to close my eyes and pretend its Captain Crunch today.

Love,
Burly

P.S. I added the link because I just think I'm really clever for being able to do so. I CAN BLOG!

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-21T15:04:00.001-08:00

I thought I'd be able to monitor my food intake really well because I am a Stay At Home Mom. This was before I realized that our refrigerator is a Stay At Home Fridge.

Lobb(this is "love", only said through the mouthful of cheese filter),
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

There has been talk of a bikini car wash, and I desperately don't want to forever be the girl in the one piece. In board shorts. And a t-shirt. I want to be a hoe on a corner in a two piece and heels promising people a dirty time and a clean car.

Please help me look less pregnant.

Love Handles,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-20T23:11:00.000-08:00

I really fucked up my knee last night at the party. Probably from carrying two screaming children while wearing heels. I know I was doing some cray-cray extensions with that. So tonight, I won't be doing my plyometrics homework. I will be doing some laying on my back ab workouts from exercizeTV ondemand.

This sucks. See you tomorrow night at practice, hobbly or not.

Brokenly yours,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-20T18:01:00.001-08:00

I was all set to screw myself up on a cookie bender, but realized just in time that today is our one monthiversary. A month ago I was in the worst pain of my life, including childbirth, thanks to you, and I've lost 8 lbs under your guidance (read as: fear of pushups)so I wasn't able to justify the 25 cookies I was planning on eating. Instead I just had 4 of the little 1 1/2 inch bad boys and called myself satiated. Because I really am. And now, I can have dinner because I've only set myself back 171 calories.

With cravings held hostage,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-20T11:05:00.000-08:00

I have news. I have lost weight. Well... you won't actually know about this weight because to your scale it'll just look like I'm maintaining, but let me tell you, its been a lot of work getting rid of 4 mystery pounds this week.

Where do they come from? I like to think its my gigantic bulging muscles that cause such huge weight gains, but you can only use that excuse so much before people start to notice that you still have people-of-Wal-Mart arms.

Anyway, I also wanted to report that while I was no saint last night at the NoTown Christmas Party (potato products and cheese and eggnog? I am weak in their presence) I was, for lack of better word, restrained. I only filled my plate once and I worked really hard to pretend that dessert was a steaming pile of baby poop and it worked. And I'm back to 184.6 lbs again.

Also, thank you for killing my ability to walk today. I'll be caring for my children from the sofa. They can find their lunch in the cookie and cracker crumbs that are in the carpet because I haven't been able to vacuum today due to my rubberlegs. I can tell I'll be looking like Lady Gaga in no time. I'll have my Hair-bow and latex dress at the ready.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry my children were preventing me from doing power jumps today, but to be fair, I was squatting with a 26 lb weight. A 26 lb screaming and wiggling weight. Also, Amanda and I waited until you were safely out of the parking lot and down the road before we left so that you wouldn't follow us to McDonalds. Don't worry, I didn't profane my temple- I had a spinach salad for lunch- but i have absolutely no qualms about McNuggets and chocolate milk for the boy. Just think of it as investing in the future- someday he'll come to you hoping to get in shape too! I do what I can.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-19T08:57:00.000-08:00

Even though Fiber One Cereal (the stuff that looks like rabbit food) tastes better with sugar on top, I just put berries in instead. I hope you're happy.

In other news, I found my neck today. Looks like the chins are beginning to recede. So don't judge me when I step on the scale today and I've gained 2 lbs, its all neck muscle.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

2009-12-18T23:17:00.000-08:00

I may or may not have just been standing in the dark in the kitchen eating more of that pasta salad with my hands greedily dipping into the plastic Vons Deli container. Don't worry, I've already counted the calories and I'm only 114 over my daily limit. And I've preemptively done a 1 minute wall squat. See you tomorrow for my off skates paining session. Oh wait, did I say paining? I mean training.

Love,
Burly

Drinks on me

2009-12-18T22:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Lamont,

Today I was at Starbucks. That alone probably qualifies me for at least 3 minutes of wall squats. Usually I have iron willpower and I order a Tall Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte, a teeny 90 calories, but today I let the holidays get the better of me. Its just that I had been talking to Amanda and she'd said the words. You know the words, White Mocha. They make me shudder with guilty delight. So I'm in the drive through at The 'Bucks and all ready to be good when the barista asks if I'd like a Peppermint White Mocha. Yes, I would like a VENTI peppermint white mocha, how funny you should ask, but before I could correct my mistake, the deed had been done.

I have this thing about drinking my frou-frou coffees at home, so I started sipping it as I looked it up on the Starbucks website.

Did you know that a Venti Peppermint White Mocha is as many calories as no mayo Whopper with cheese?

Clearly fucked, I took a last sip, shimmied into the kitchen and poured the last half into the sink.

What I did wasn't easy, but I also know that 50 push-ups aren't easy either. You win this time.

Love,
Burly

P.S. I just made some green tea so I wouldn't snack and Amanda came by with PESTO FREAKIN' PASTA SALAD. I'm now enjoying my green tea with a side of guilt. So I'll just add this- SHE HAD A BROWNIE TODAY. Okay, now we're even.