Dear, dear, dearest Lamont

I hate myself.

I've really let everything fall apart. About 3 months of depression, about 5 of lifestyle changes due to work and I've. just. fallen. to. pieces.

My body is paying for it.

Craving sweets. Salty. Nothing healthy. Feeling boaty.

Gaining weight, holy shit. It's just piling on. I look terrible, but I feel worse.

I'll be coming back more. I need to figure out childcare, but once I have that set I'm there.

In the meanwhile I'm doing at least one 10 minute workout on exercise TV every day. It's not much, but its something I can manage through the fat fog of depression.

I'm also setting up other rewards. If I track my food and keep it to 1600 cals (+ or - 100) every day, drink my water and do at least my 10 minutes then every 2 weeks I'm gonna okay it with myself to buy a $10-$15 treat from sephora, lime crime or sugarpill.

I miss my damn hip bones.

*sigh*

Disgustingly yours,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Today marks my one year anniversary of meeting you. So I'm laying all my cards on the table.

I've settled into a 2 or 3 month long fog of depression, I've gained 8 lbs due to a non-existant exercise regime, even though my eating hasn't been horrible.

But I haven't skated in a month.

So where I am is still unbelievably smaller than I have been since junior high, but bigger than I was 5 months ago.

My amazing Burly arms are sadly normal.

My peek-a-boo-abs that were almost there in the correct lighting... those just disappeared in the last few weeks.

But what can disappear in a week, a month, 6 months, can also be found again in a week, a month, 6 months. I'll be back.

Our anniversary is important to me. On this day a year ago I began seriously thinking about my heath, envisioning myself as strong, beautiful, chin-free. Today I am returning to our goal- a lifetime of healthy choices. You don't just lose weight, it's constant work. Kind of like a zombie movie- you gotta constantly keep shooting the bastards and boarding things up or else they'll creep in through a window, a crawl space, and then you have a score of other problems.

Okay, maybe not. But I'm scared enough of the undead that the visual of my sedentary ass being damned and after my braaaaaiiiiiins might actually work in the motivation department.

What I am saying is this: I need to move. Even when I'm depressed movement can lift me out of myself, and I just need to push past the feeling that I need to be in my bed avoiding everything. It won't be easy- if it was, I wouldn't walk around like a shell of a person at all- I'd snap out of it. But I've found that saying it out loud, identifying the problem is helping. Giving it weight.

Today I am recommitting myself to my new size 10 jeans that another pound from now will not button or zip. I'm recommitting myself to bear crawls with my children in the yard and making growling noises while we do. And dammit, I'm recommitting myself to fiber one cereal, yogurt and 8 glasses of water a day. Because this shit is bananas.

Happy anniversary, you've saved my life. See you in class again soon, I promise.

Love,
Burly


When we met.































Last Weekend

Dear Lamont,

I have finally learned moderation. I eat what I want, but smarter now. I've been looking at the bigger picture, and planning in my favorite things instead of avoiding them. Pancakes aren't as big of a problem as they used to be if I stick to two and use fruit instead of syrup on top. I can do the whole fast food thing if I know the nutritional value before ordering and plan my day accordingly around my filet-o-fish and small fries (660 cals, and thats with BBQ sauce to dip the fries in). And I share my fries.

Its pretty amazing, because I don't feel deprived and 1,500 calories doesn't seem so small anymore. I said "I want pancakes BAD" to a friend on Saturday and she responded "Those DEFINITELY aren't on your diet..." and I didn't know how to tell her that I'm not on a diet without sounding smug.

I just weigh the worth of the foods I eat now. I'll load up on fiber one cereal, veggies, fruits and lots of water so that when the opportunities arise to indulge I have some wiggle room to enjoy my palate. That is probably the biggest factor in my almost 40 lb weight loss. Sure I could probably drop it faster if I stuck to a diet, and didn't have a Frosty when the mood strikes but it wouldn't be a promise I could keep. (a small one is 330 Calories- one of the lowest calorie milkshakes- Starbucks Mocha Light Frapuccino is a better bet.)

I can promise myself, however, that I'll fuel myself adequately using a nutritional tracker and still enjoy a few treats in between the carb, protein, fat and calorie counting.

Satiated,
Burly

Dear Lamont, Leotard Redux

Now I'm really hoping you don't read this blog. I'm sure you'd make me do pull ups or some other impossibility for posting this ridiculousness. But success is success and you can't argue with results, even when they are a little silly.



A lot silly.



The mayor of Sillytown.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Scale is broken. Read 90 lbs a few days ago, and then 245 the next day and then yesterday it was 198. If it doesn't read like 15 lbs today I'm throwing it out. I didn't come here to be insulted, I came here to be lied to, oh water-damaged scale friend. Don't tell me what I don't wanna hear if you aren't gonna feed me the truth.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Fat Tuesdays are followed by Guilty and Bloated Wednesdays.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Rewards, rewards, rewards!

I've lost 20lbs, I've managed to really change my eating habits so that even my binge eating is on a smaller and less devastating scale, and I have cleaned out my entire closet and have no wearable clothes.

I think I was due for a totally frivolous and ridiculous reward.

Enter the Forever 21 Leopard Print Thong Leotard.

I haven't felt great about my body even though it has completely changed, all I ever see is the inches left to be lost around my tummy thanks to two children and years of yo-yo dieting, the muscles still underdeveloped to my taste, the way I think I should look starkly contrasted against the girl I look at in the mirror. Stupid, because I weigh less than I have since I exited my teens, but I never claimed not to be neurotic. Anyway, this little leotard has helped me to almost entirely reverse that.

Firstly, I bought it at Forever 21, which means that I fit in clothing from Forever 21. WTF? Second, It is fitted. Because it is ridiculous I didn't care about my muffin top or my extra bulges and creases- If I looked bad it looked like I did it to be ironic. You don't know how freeing it is to wear tacky clothing.

I ended up skating in this tonight with some electric yellow tights, leg warmers and a belt, channeling my inner 1980's fitness bunny and it did wonders for me. Not only did I skate better (when you dress awkwardly, you have to skate well to back it up...) but I felt sexy and beautiful and powerful. It was kind of a breakthrough moment.

I'm glad I didn't buy anything sensible today to celebrate my 20th pound lost, that would have just been silly.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

The other night I was in an interesting predicament. I don't know how to not stress eat. I made a post on facebook about it- what do you do when you're stressed and all you want is a milkshake?- and I got a lot of the usual- eat something healthier, have hot cocoa or tea and things like that- and that is all great advice, all things I do regularly. (Haven't had a milkshake since I met you, my life is a series of substitutions these days.) HOWEVER, that wasn't really my question.

How do I not stress eat? What button do I need to switch to keep my instant reaction to stress or depression eating? Just swapping the go-to milkshake for a 100 calorie pack doesn't solve the problem, it just makes it less devastating while reinforcing the behavior.

I ended up going to bed early to avoid temptation. Plus, Doug was making chorizo and bacon and eggs and hash browns for breakfast burritos to take to work. All of my weaknesses at once, coupled with stress and a strong desire for chocolate. BAD.

It really bothered me, though, that everyone had the usual substitution answers but no real solutions to stress eating. Is there no real answer? Am I stuck going to bed early whenever I am having a hard time dealing with life?

-Burly

Dear Lamont,

175.8

I weighed 177 at my lowest before I had kids.

Holy Shit!

<3
Burly

PS... its called Budgeting.

I had my vodka cream sauce with italian sausage this week. But I also had my salad for dinner. Learning that I can buy my expensive dress but I'll have to admit I won't be able to afford gas to get anywhere if I want to splurge.

Dear Lamont,

Felt pretty good about myself today. Even though I had a pretty calorie laden lunch (PMS, whatyougonnado? Kimmy can't say no to Penne pasta with vodka cream sauce and Italian sausage. I'd rather starve the rest of the day. Which I did.) I ate a simple salad for dinner.

I considered just giving up and not counting calories the rest of the day, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Only 145 over my daily amount, so I think I'm doing pretty swell. Or swollen. Bloated, even. whatevs.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Cleaned out my closet. Have 6 bags of too-big clothing. Am currently naked because I don't have anything that fits. At least I look good.

Thats almost not true, my mom did buy some shirts for me yesterday- all Mediums. I've never been a medium, are you kidding me? This girl has steadily been LARGE or LARGER. I had to nix a few of the shirts though.... come on, who puts a light colored stripe right on the muffin top area of a shirt? Bad taste, folks! When I no longer have a muffin top I am getting a blueberry muffin tattoo there to commemorate it and remind me to not let it become truth again. Plus, blueberry muffins are just really fuckin' cute. If I can't eat em I might as well wear them, right?

That's not all truth either. I ate a blueberry muffin the other day. Fiber One has some tasty muffins that don't undo my day for under 200 calories. I'll take it. I like fiber. I like muffins.

Know what I don't like? Everyone eating Pizza around me lately. You'll be pleased to know I ignored it and made myself a healthier option once I got home.

You won't be pleased to know that I had some Doritos, but jalepeno popper flavor? F that, I can't NOT eat those, but I only ate 10 and took the 150 calorie hit. Life isn't worth living if I can't try all the new flavors of Doritos.

Sorry about Friday, looks like I'm not crocheting fast enough so I can't afford you this week. When the tax return comes in, I'll be sure to set myself up with at least the rest of the month. Hella lame. I promise I won't slack, but I can't promise that I'll do globe jumps without you there to push me further.

Well, that's all. I'm gonna go flex in front of a mirror with my magnifying glass and look for muscles. I'm hella ripped.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I just picked up two tacos and a quesadilla from El Unico. Two tacos that were not for me. Wanna talk about self control? Because I don't, I'd rather talk with my mouth full of tacos. I'll go eat my apple instead. I can smell the carne asada on my husbands breath, though. Does kissing someone with taco breath have any calories?

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

My arms and shoulders are STILL killing me. My legs hardly even felt it, though. This tells me that I am so disproportionately strong and weak that I'm spending all my energy trying to get my arms to keep up and my legs aren't getting the workout they need. I guess the only way to fix this is to get stronger, but in the meantime that kind of blows. The only reason I couldn't do more weight in the dead-lifts was because I couldn't actually hold the weight, it wasn't my legs giving out.

You'd think lugging around two gigantic children all day would count for something. Nothing. A big fat nothing, Lamont. They need to earn their keep!

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

A haiku:

Cream cheese frosting is
Tasty atop red velvet
A Slippery Slope.

Love,
Burly

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I'M EATING YOUR CAKE FOR YOU! I know... I know. I'll go do push ups now.)

Dear Lamont,

What I need is comfort food, a big ass fried chicken breast or some meatloaf.

What I'm eating is 2 veggie burger patties with ketchup.

My period hopes you're happy.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Oh my gosh, I just saw myself on TV and I think I probably need to do more chin exercises. I thought that extra chin was gone, but it was just hiding, waiting for a camera crew to reappear publicly. Kind of like Britney Spears, but you know, more chinny.

Back on track in a major way today, by the way.
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I don't wanna talk about it.

<3,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

We're not even going to count calories right now. Went to a friends wedding, ate a lot of m&m's before dinner, ate my cake, ate my way through the night. But it was a wedding, and I don't think my quality of life would be where I want it if I can't have fun and forget that I'm on a health kick now and again. This is the first time since the holidays that I've officially gone way over my calories for the day, so I'd say it was well deserved and I'll be back on it tomorrow.

Here's to hoping the pile of Andes Mints doesn't show up in my gut tomorrow for team photos. I'm cool with getting whats coming to me, but oh boy I hope it puts it off for at least the next 16 or so hours.

The real thing here is being okay with having a night of eating without letting it ruin what I've done. We'll see, but I think I'm finally strong enough not to let this bog me down for the rest of the week.

-A very satisfied Burly

Dear Lamont,

Oh boy do I ache, but I know its worth it. Its worth it, right?

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Tonight I pretended to be you.

Wait, that sounds creepy.

I channeled my inner Lamont and led not one but TWO workouts with the team. That's two hours of emulating your workouts.

That said, if I'm in a lot of pain and unable to move for you tomorrow, well, you know what I got up to.

So should I name my personal training whiz-kid franchise Burly of Steel or Body by Burly?

Love,
Burly