Dear Lamont,

The other night I was in an interesting predicament. I don't know how to not stress eat. I made a post on facebook about it- what do you do when you're stressed and all you want is a milkshake?- and I got a lot of the usual- eat something healthier, have hot cocoa or tea and things like that- and that is all great advice, all things I do regularly. (Haven't had a milkshake since I met you, my life is a series of substitutions these days.) HOWEVER, that wasn't really my question.

How do I not stress eat? What button do I need to switch to keep my instant reaction to stress or depression eating? Just swapping the go-to milkshake for a 100 calorie pack doesn't solve the problem, it just makes it less devastating while reinforcing the behavior.

I ended up going to bed early to avoid temptation. Plus, Doug was making chorizo and bacon and eggs and hash browns for breakfast burritos to take to work. All of my weaknesses at once, coupled with stress and a strong desire for chocolate. BAD.

It really bothered me, though, that everyone had the usual substitution answers but no real solutions to stress eating. Is there no real answer? Am I stuck going to bed early whenever I am having a hard time dealing with life?

-Burly

Dear Lamont,

175.8

I weighed 177 at my lowest before I had kids.

Holy Shit!

<3
Burly

PS... its called Budgeting.

I had my vodka cream sauce with italian sausage this week. But I also had my salad for dinner. Learning that I can buy my expensive dress but I'll have to admit I won't be able to afford gas to get anywhere if I want to splurge.

Dear Lamont,

Felt pretty good about myself today. Even though I had a pretty calorie laden lunch (PMS, whatyougonnado? Kimmy can't say no to Penne pasta with vodka cream sauce and Italian sausage. I'd rather starve the rest of the day. Which I did.) I ate a simple salad for dinner.

I considered just giving up and not counting calories the rest of the day, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Only 145 over my daily amount, so I think I'm doing pretty swell. Or swollen. Bloated, even. whatevs.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Cleaned out my closet. Have 6 bags of too-big clothing. Am currently naked because I don't have anything that fits. At least I look good.

Thats almost not true, my mom did buy some shirts for me yesterday- all Mediums. I've never been a medium, are you kidding me? This girl has steadily been LARGE or LARGER. I had to nix a few of the shirts though.... come on, who puts a light colored stripe right on the muffin top area of a shirt? Bad taste, folks! When I no longer have a muffin top I am getting a blueberry muffin tattoo there to commemorate it and remind me to not let it become truth again. Plus, blueberry muffins are just really fuckin' cute. If I can't eat em I might as well wear them, right?

That's not all truth either. I ate a blueberry muffin the other day. Fiber One has some tasty muffins that don't undo my day for under 200 calories. I'll take it. I like fiber. I like muffins.

Know what I don't like? Everyone eating Pizza around me lately. You'll be pleased to know I ignored it and made myself a healthier option once I got home.

You won't be pleased to know that I had some Doritos, but jalepeno popper flavor? F that, I can't NOT eat those, but I only ate 10 and took the 150 calorie hit. Life isn't worth living if I can't try all the new flavors of Doritos.

Sorry about Friday, looks like I'm not crocheting fast enough so I can't afford you this week. When the tax return comes in, I'll be sure to set myself up with at least the rest of the month. Hella lame. I promise I won't slack, but I can't promise that I'll do globe jumps without you there to push me further.

Well, that's all. I'm gonna go flex in front of a mirror with my magnifying glass and look for muscles. I'm hella ripped.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I just picked up two tacos and a quesadilla from El Unico. Two tacos that were not for me. Wanna talk about self control? Because I don't, I'd rather talk with my mouth full of tacos. I'll go eat my apple instead. I can smell the carne asada on my husbands breath, though. Does kissing someone with taco breath have any calories?

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

My arms and shoulders are STILL killing me. My legs hardly even felt it, though. This tells me that I am so disproportionately strong and weak that I'm spending all my energy trying to get my arms to keep up and my legs aren't getting the workout they need. I guess the only way to fix this is to get stronger, but in the meantime that kind of blows. The only reason I couldn't do more weight in the dead-lifts was because I couldn't actually hold the weight, it wasn't my legs giving out.

You'd think lugging around two gigantic children all day would count for something. Nothing. A big fat nothing, Lamont. They need to earn their keep!

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

A haiku:

Cream cheese frosting is
Tasty atop red velvet
A Slippery Slope.

Love,
Burly

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I'M EATING YOUR CAKE FOR YOU! I know... I know. I'll go do push ups now.)