Dear, dear, dearest Lamont

I hate myself.

I've really let everything fall apart. About 3 months of depression, about 5 of lifestyle changes due to work and I've. just. fallen. to. pieces.

My body is paying for it.

Craving sweets. Salty. Nothing healthy. Feeling boaty.

Gaining weight, holy shit. It's just piling on. I look terrible, but I feel worse.

I'll be coming back more. I need to figure out childcare, but once I have that set I'm there.

In the meanwhile I'm doing at least one 10 minute workout on exercise TV every day. It's not much, but its something I can manage through the fat fog of depression.

I'm also setting up other rewards. If I track my food and keep it to 1600 cals (+ or - 100) every day, drink my water and do at least my 10 minutes then every 2 weeks I'm gonna okay it with myself to buy a $10-$15 treat from sephora, lime crime or sugarpill.

I miss my damn hip bones.

*sigh*

Disgustingly yours,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Today marks my one year anniversary of meeting you. So I'm laying all my cards on the table.

I've settled into a 2 or 3 month long fog of depression, I've gained 8 lbs due to a non-existant exercise regime, even though my eating hasn't been horrible.

But I haven't skated in a month.

So where I am is still unbelievably smaller than I have been since junior high, but bigger than I was 5 months ago.

My amazing Burly arms are sadly normal.

My peek-a-boo-abs that were almost there in the correct lighting... those just disappeared in the last few weeks.

But what can disappear in a week, a month, 6 months, can also be found again in a week, a month, 6 months. I'll be back.

Our anniversary is important to me. On this day a year ago I began seriously thinking about my heath, envisioning myself as strong, beautiful, chin-free. Today I am returning to our goal- a lifetime of healthy choices. You don't just lose weight, it's constant work. Kind of like a zombie movie- you gotta constantly keep shooting the bastards and boarding things up or else they'll creep in through a window, a crawl space, and then you have a score of other problems.

Okay, maybe not. But I'm scared enough of the undead that the visual of my sedentary ass being damned and after my braaaaaiiiiiins might actually work in the motivation department.

What I am saying is this: I need to move. Even when I'm depressed movement can lift me out of myself, and I just need to push past the feeling that I need to be in my bed avoiding everything. It won't be easy- if it was, I wouldn't walk around like a shell of a person at all- I'd snap out of it. But I've found that saying it out loud, identifying the problem is helping. Giving it weight.

Today I am recommitting myself to my new size 10 jeans that another pound from now will not button or zip. I'm recommitting myself to bear crawls with my children in the yard and making growling noises while we do. And dammit, I'm recommitting myself to fiber one cereal, yogurt and 8 glasses of water a day. Because this shit is bananas.

Happy anniversary, you've saved my life. See you in class again soon, I promise.

Love,
Burly


When we met.































Last Weekend

Dear Lamont,

I have finally learned moderation. I eat what I want, but smarter now. I've been looking at the bigger picture, and planning in my favorite things instead of avoiding them. Pancakes aren't as big of a problem as they used to be if I stick to two and use fruit instead of syrup on top. I can do the whole fast food thing if I know the nutritional value before ordering and plan my day accordingly around my filet-o-fish and small fries (660 cals, and thats with BBQ sauce to dip the fries in). And I share my fries.

Its pretty amazing, because I don't feel deprived and 1,500 calories doesn't seem so small anymore. I said "I want pancakes BAD" to a friend on Saturday and she responded "Those DEFINITELY aren't on your diet..." and I didn't know how to tell her that I'm not on a diet without sounding smug.

I just weigh the worth of the foods I eat now. I'll load up on fiber one cereal, veggies, fruits and lots of water so that when the opportunities arise to indulge I have some wiggle room to enjoy my palate. That is probably the biggest factor in my almost 40 lb weight loss. Sure I could probably drop it faster if I stuck to a diet, and didn't have a Frosty when the mood strikes but it wouldn't be a promise I could keep. (a small one is 330 Calories- one of the lowest calorie milkshakes- Starbucks Mocha Light Frapuccino is a better bet.)

I can promise myself, however, that I'll fuel myself adequately using a nutritional tracker and still enjoy a few treats in between the carb, protein, fat and calorie counting.

Satiated,
Burly

Dear Lamont, Leotard Redux

Now I'm really hoping you don't read this blog. I'm sure you'd make me do pull ups or some other impossibility for posting this ridiculousness. But success is success and you can't argue with results, even when they are a little silly.



A lot silly.



The mayor of Sillytown.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Scale is broken. Read 90 lbs a few days ago, and then 245 the next day and then yesterday it was 198. If it doesn't read like 15 lbs today I'm throwing it out. I didn't come here to be insulted, I came here to be lied to, oh water-damaged scale friend. Don't tell me what I don't wanna hear if you aren't gonna feed me the truth.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Fat Tuesdays are followed by Guilty and Bloated Wednesdays.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Rewards, rewards, rewards!

I've lost 20lbs, I've managed to really change my eating habits so that even my binge eating is on a smaller and less devastating scale, and I have cleaned out my entire closet and have no wearable clothes.

I think I was due for a totally frivolous and ridiculous reward.

Enter the Forever 21 Leopard Print Thong Leotard.

I haven't felt great about my body even though it has completely changed, all I ever see is the inches left to be lost around my tummy thanks to two children and years of yo-yo dieting, the muscles still underdeveloped to my taste, the way I think I should look starkly contrasted against the girl I look at in the mirror. Stupid, because I weigh less than I have since I exited my teens, but I never claimed not to be neurotic. Anyway, this little leotard has helped me to almost entirely reverse that.

Firstly, I bought it at Forever 21, which means that I fit in clothing from Forever 21. WTF? Second, It is fitted. Because it is ridiculous I didn't care about my muffin top or my extra bulges and creases- If I looked bad it looked like I did it to be ironic. You don't know how freeing it is to wear tacky clothing.

I ended up skating in this tonight with some electric yellow tights, leg warmers and a belt, channeling my inner 1980's fitness bunny and it did wonders for me. Not only did I skate better (when you dress awkwardly, you have to skate well to back it up...) but I felt sexy and beautiful and powerful. It was kind of a breakthrough moment.

I'm glad I didn't buy anything sensible today to celebrate my 20th pound lost, that would have just been silly.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

The other night I was in an interesting predicament. I don't know how to not stress eat. I made a post on facebook about it- what do you do when you're stressed and all you want is a milkshake?- and I got a lot of the usual- eat something healthier, have hot cocoa or tea and things like that- and that is all great advice, all things I do regularly. (Haven't had a milkshake since I met you, my life is a series of substitutions these days.) HOWEVER, that wasn't really my question.

How do I not stress eat? What button do I need to switch to keep my instant reaction to stress or depression eating? Just swapping the go-to milkshake for a 100 calorie pack doesn't solve the problem, it just makes it less devastating while reinforcing the behavior.

I ended up going to bed early to avoid temptation. Plus, Doug was making chorizo and bacon and eggs and hash browns for breakfast burritos to take to work. All of my weaknesses at once, coupled with stress and a strong desire for chocolate. BAD.

It really bothered me, though, that everyone had the usual substitution answers but no real solutions to stress eating. Is there no real answer? Am I stuck going to bed early whenever I am having a hard time dealing with life?

-Burly

Dear Lamont,

175.8

I weighed 177 at my lowest before I had kids.

Holy Shit!

<3
Burly

PS... its called Budgeting.

I had my vodka cream sauce with italian sausage this week. But I also had my salad for dinner. Learning that I can buy my expensive dress but I'll have to admit I won't be able to afford gas to get anywhere if I want to splurge.

Dear Lamont,

Felt pretty good about myself today. Even though I had a pretty calorie laden lunch (PMS, whatyougonnado? Kimmy can't say no to Penne pasta with vodka cream sauce and Italian sausage. I'd rather starve the rest of the day. Which I did.) I ate a simple salad for dinner.

I considered just giving up and not counting calories the rest of the day, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Only 145 over my daily amount, so I think I'm doing pretty swell. Or swollen. Bloated, even. whatevs.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Cleaned out my closet. Have 6 bags of too-big clothing. Am currently naked because I don't have anything that fits. At least I look good.

Thats almost not true, my mom did buy some shirts for me yesterday- all Mediums. I've never been a medium, are you kidding me? This girl has steadily been LARGE or LARGER. I had to nix a few of the shirts though.... come on, who puts a light colored stripe right on the muffin top area of a shirt? Bad taste, folks! When I no longer have a muffin top I am getting a blueberry muffin tattoo there to commemorate it and remind me to not let it become truth again. Plus, blueberry muffins are just really fuckin' cute. If I can't eat em I might as well wear them, right?

That's not all truth either. I ate a blueberry muffin the other day. Fiber One has some tasty muffins that don't undo my day for under 200 calories. I'll take it. I like fiber. I like muffins.

Know what I don't like? Everyone eating Pizza around me lately. You'll be pleased to know I ignored it and made myself a healthier option once I got home.

You won't be pleased to know that I had some Doritos, but jalepeno popper flavor? F that, I can't NOT eat those, but I only ate 10 and took the 150 calorie hit. Life isn't worth living if I can't try all the new flavors of Doritos.

Sorry about Friday, looks like I'm not crocheting fast enough so I can't afford you this week. When the tax return comes in, I'll be sure to set myself up with at least the rest of the month. Hella lame. I promise I won't slack, but I can't promise that I'll do globe jumps without you there to push me further.

Well, that's all. I'm gonna go flex in front of a mirror with my magnifying glass and look for muscles. I'm hella ripped.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I just picked up two tacos and a quesadilla from El Unico. Two tacos that were not for me. Wanna talk about self control? Because I don't, I'd rather talk with my mouth full of tacos. I'll go eat my apple instead. I can smell the carne asada on my husbands breath, though. Does kissing someone with taco breath have any calories?

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

My arms and shoulders are STILL killing me. My legs hardly even felt it, though. This tells me that I am so disproportionately strong and weak that I'm spending all my energy trying to get my arms to keep up and my legs aren't getting the workout they need. I guess the only way to fix this is to get stronger, but in the meantime that kind of blows. The only reason I couldn't do more weight in the dead-lifts was because I couldn't actually hold the weight, it wasn't my legs giving out.

You'd think lugging around two gigantic children all day would count for something. Nothing. A big fat nothing, Lamont. They need to earn their keep!

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

A haiku:

Cream cheese frosting is
Tasty atop red velvet
A Slippery Slope.

Love,
Burly

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I'M EATING YOUR CAKE FOR YOU! I know... I know. I'll go do push ups now.)

Dear Lamont,

What I need is comfort food, a big ass fried chicken breast or some meatloaf.

What I'm eating is 2 veggie burger patties with ketchup.

My period hopes you're happy.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Oh my gosh, I just saw myself on TV and I think I probably need to do more chin exercises. I thought that extra chin was gone, but it was just hiding, waiting for a camera crew to reappear publicly. Kind of like Britney Spears, but you know, more chinny.

Back on track in a major way today, by the way.
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I don't wanna talk about it.

<3,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

We're not even going to count calories right now. Went to a friends wedding, ate a lot of m&m's before dinner, ate my cake, ate my way through the night. But it was a wedding, and I don't think my quality of life would be where I want it if I can't have fun and forget that I'm on a health kick now and again. This is the first time since the holidays that I've officially gone way over my calories for the day, so I'd say it was well deserved and I'll be back on it tomorrow.

Here's to hoping the pile of Andes Mints doesn't show up in my gut tomorrow for team photos. I'm cool with getting whats coming to me, but oh boy I hope it puts it off for at least the next 16 or so hours.

The real thing here is being okay with having a night of eating without letting it ruin what I've done. We'll see, but I think I'm finally strong enough not to let this bog me down for the rest of the week.

-A very satisfied Burly

Dear Lamont,

Oh boy do I ache, but I know its worth it. Its worth it, right?

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Tonight I pretended to be you.

Wait, that sounds creepy.

I channeled my inner Lamont and led not one but TWO workouts with the team. That's two hours of emulating your workouts.

That said, if I'm in a lot of pain and unable to move for you tomorrow, well, you know what I got up to.

So should I name my personal training whiz-kid franchise Burly of Steel or Body by Burly?

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Rain makes me lazy. I got halfway though my homework and just sat down, never to get up again.

You can give me my push ups now.

Or not now, maybe when I'm a little more motivated. Because tonight its all about me, my butt and this sofa.

Regards,
Burly

P.S. I was doing really well, I even beat my previous "record" on the globe jumps, which you know I hate. So that almost counts. Give me 25 push ups instead of 50, k? K.

Dear Lamont,

Today I got compared to Hayley Mills. Specifically Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap. I'm going to take this as a compliment- not as 'there's so much blonde in here its like there are two of you'- and attribute this to my weight loss uncovering my girlish features.




She was right, you almost can't tell which one is me, and which is Hayley. I can't believe that I actually was part of such a monumental Disney film.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

First bout of the season and, well, we lost. By a lot. BUT... oh and this is a big but(t... snicker) I was skating without getting winded, and I had my own little moment of personal breakthrough and glory- someone fell in front of me and without though, i just jumped the fuck over her.

No really, it was like, legit. I think I'm officially really a derby skater now. It was so freakin' cool. All of those sucky, sucky power jumps totally have paid off.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Losing weight is a learning experience. Tonight I learned not to bring hummus and carrots into the house and expect to not go overboard. Oh boy Fresh and Easy has a good hummus.

Post-hummusly yours,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Feeling pretty sick- I do fine when I'm not eating but no matter the food its given me trouble all day. I also realize I'll be bouting in just a few days, so I did the short version of your homework- 30 seconds instead of a minute. I'm currently drinking tea and trying to calm the tummy, but at least I did something. Its better than eating crackers and drinking ginger ale and hating the world for giving out stomach viruses. Even sick, I feel myself jumping higher on the globe jumps. That's pretty spiffy.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I have a stomach something. I'm okay if I'm sitting, a mess if I'm moving and generally feeling icky.

I was really conflicted leaving early last night from practice, it feels like failure even though i can't control what my body does when I'm sick. And I know there would have been puke had I stayed.

Ugh.


Just ugh.

-Burly

Dear Lamont,

Be faster, grow stronger, eat smarter.

Right. So those are kind of goals in my mind. You wanna know what else is bouncing around in my mind? Your voice. Eat smarter is not even an option to ignore nowadays. I hear you saying "Fried macaroni and cheese? Thats crazy." and I just can't do it.

Tonight it was pizza. As you know, I had my Al's Cafe fix for the month this afternoon. So I had roughly 400 calories left for the day, in other words. The problem is that on Sundays we go to my grandma's and order take out and totally pig out and laugh at everything under the sun.

Tonight was a pizza night, and there was no way of getting around it, so Amanda and I offered to pick up the pies and on our way, dropped into the grocery and bought some leafy greens, cucumber and fake chicken. I didn't think I'd have the willpower to do it, we're talking Hawaiian pizza- food from heaven. But I remembered your no carbs at dinner thing and after staring longingly at the open box of saucy-cheesy-pineapply-canadian-bacony delight, I backed away and piled more salad and soy product on my plate.

And I came out 50 calories under my daily allowance. Can I get a hell yeah?

Thing is, I'm really liking that when I step on my scale it flirts just a little with 179 before it finally decides I'm 181. Those 170's have been elusive for years and I'm pretty amazed that I'm almost there. I'm excited that my 12's are requiring a belt and when those are gone I'll HAVE to shop because I have never worn anything smaller than a 12 since I was 12. And that fake chicken wasn't so bad, and at 80 calories for half a package I think its my new favorite thing in the world. So I was able to summon up the willpower at the end of the day that I didn't have earlier. I know that I'm going to slip up and make bad choices, but I guess that the whole point of adapting to a new lifestyle is letting myself making bad decisions, only being better at it.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I didn't just eat that Philly Cheese Steak from Al's Cafe. And by 'didn't' I most assuredly mean 'did'...

So I guess It'll be a salad for dinner again.

Delightfully fulfilled,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Just found out we're taking team pictures in a few weeks.

I think I need to go do my homework. These arms are NOT ready for the photographer.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Remember how we did that whole throwing the 10lb medicine ball thing where I was on the floor crunching up? Yeah, so do I. Now, I forgive you, but these arms... well, they may not.

Unable to move,
-Burly

Dear Lamont,

What should have sucked was totally awesome. I hate those suicides. I hate those One Two Threes. Oh dear lord, I hate those push ups and then running it out. But wow, today I was able to do them without blacking out and seeing stars. Apparently I am improving.

Thanks for noticing, I appreciated that you reinforced this for me. You don't know how much.

I still feel like I got hit by a truck, though. I guess if I didn't ache it wouldn't be worth paying you for, right?

-Burly

Dear Lamont,

I love that I can pig out more if I eat healthier things.

You don't wanna know how many whole wheat reduced fat cheese quesadillas with Chick'n Strips I just had. Because I had to eat them. To hit my daily calories mark. Heck yeah.

Love,
Burly

P.S. Okay, it was two, but shut up, it felt decadent.

Dear Lamont,

I think you're on to me...

But I'll have you know mister "So you can write that in your blogs..." that I'm eating an apple and peanut butter right now. NOT an milkshake and fries like my brain is telling me I want.

So you can hint around that you know about me and my blogging all you want, but this girl- cheddar burgers aside- is on a straight and narrow path to becoming Shakira.

Minus the rhythm. And you know, general likeability.

BUT THOSE ABS ARE GONNA BE MINE.

Cordially,
Burly

P.S. I owe you for being a dork and not remembering to tell everyone to bring their money tonight for you. Okay, I owe you 3xhowever many girls we had there tonight. But instead I'll pump up your Central Valley's Greatest Loser gig, hows that?

Dear Lamont,

Yeah, I did it. And it tasted GOOOOOD.

And I even did manage to almost block you from the back of my mind until I took my first bite. Then I made some adjustments and went back to my happy place. And then once I was in the Safety Dance video, I finished eating my Cheddar Burger from Cosmopolitan with just one half of the bun, and lettuce on top.

And it was good.

Gonna go do my push ups now.

Love,
Burly (Who can't believe that she let the cat out of the bag about her happy place.)

Dear Lamont,

Doing 50 pushups to see if I can do them before I go and do the thing I'm planning on doing tomorrow (that involves cheddar cheese) which I know will wind up in me doing 50 pushups for you. If I can't do them now, I most assuredly won't be able to after the stuff I plan on puttin in mah belleh at lunch.

We'll see how this goes.

Burly

EDIT: Yeah, I did em. I almost didn't make it past 45 but I summoned my inner Burly and pushed out 5 more in the name of cheddar.

Dear Lamont,

I'd type more but it hurts to move.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Ate a HUUUUGEEEE lunch that was actually breakfast foods. Ate a healthy dinner with lots of spinach.

Walked for a few hours with the kids and the dogs.

And realized my quads hate stationary bikes for 10 minutes.

I'm only 200 calories over, but I burned a crapload of calories in return. Negate this, hashbrowns and mini pancakes!

See you tomorrow!

Love,
Burly