Dear Lamont,

Someday I'll stop being surprised that its dirty lady time, and I'll stop beating myself up over the cookies and the candy and the salt, oh lord the salt, and I'll be able to eat a normal amount instead of eating like its the end of the junk food supply.

So happy crappy crampy New Year's Eve. First a cold, now this. At least I feel (almost) justified in those dutch cookies I just ate.

So anyway, its New Year's Eve, and I guess its as good a time as any to lay out some good goals for 2010.

• Stop the crazy eating days (BTW, i just counted up the calories.... I totally only went over by 150 calories! Do I know how to eat cookies within limit or what?)
• Get into a size 10 (I was 11 years old and in size 12 jeans.)
• Walk with the kids at least once a week, if not twice.
• Run weekly
• Join a CSA
• Crochet more to be able to pay for YOU to kick my ass.
• Win a big rig truck in an Arm Wrestling Championship.
• Stop instinctively feeling my chin to see if its grown every time I order something at Starbucks that isn't "Skinny"
• Make it to Derby at least once a week, optimally twice.
• Look great in a leotard with leg warmers, co-star in music video with Olivia Newton John.
• Stop using words about people that I wouldn't want used about me.
• Yoga. I know its probably not your thing, Mr. Cardio, but I miss it.
• Sleep more and better.
• Skate better and faster.
• Hit harder.
• Live well.

I hope you have a Happy New Year, I'll see you Saturday when you can remind me that I shoudl have been doing my homework all this time and I can whine in pitiful pain while sloppily doing a power jump.

Cheers,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Apparently I'm binge eating smarter too, these days. I'm down another pound. I even stepped on the scale like 7 times to make sure it was correct in reading 182.6. This means I have hit my 10 lb mark. Can't figure that one out, but whatever, I'm not complaining.

BTW, I still need to read a chapter from my book because yesterday I think I just gave up on counting calories after the third 3 Musketeers bar. This chapter is called "Tackling Triggers."

Maybe it'll offer some advice on, you know, NOT keeping fun size candy bars in your freezer.

Because that would really make sense.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I miss you. Its been 3 weeks since I've seen you, and even though I've been working on my own, you know, and I know that I haven't been working that hard.

And I just had an incident with the pretzel sticks and peanut butter. The local authorities have been notified and its now against my parole to come within 100 feet of the pantry.

I was on Central Valley Buzz with Chuck and Joey today and well... lets have ab day soon, okay? Next time I go on there I wanna wear a leotard with a hole cut out for my six pack.

Tralalalala, I'm gonna go dance to the Wiggles with my son and pretend its a challenging workout. Lets never be apart again, okay?

Wiggling in all the wrong places,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I've decided that every day that I over eat (and I don't mean by like, 100 calories or whatever, I mean, like... won't stop going into the kitchen and eating orange flavored chocolate from the Christmas stockings) I will be reading a chapter out of a book on nutrition, fitness, or weight management. Remember, I'm a reader, so my collection of books on weight loss is much more impressive than any actual weight loss I've ever managed.

Needless to say, this was prompted by my desire for chow mein, and my discovery of those chocolate oranges (OH MY GOD, HOW HAVE I LIVED SO LONG WITHOUT THEM?!) so tonight I'll be reading Session Four from Healthy Eating Every Day. Ironically, the chapter is called "Identifying Barriers and Benefits"...

Whatever. That chocolate was effin' gooooood.

Identifying the Barriers and Benefits,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Why is it that I never get the kind of sick where you drop 18 lbs in a day? I have a cold, and all I want when I have a cold is kung pao chicken and chow mein noodles.

I'll pace myself, but no guarantees.

Snottily yours,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I'm a freakin' stud.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I looked down this morning and realized something was different. My chin didn't scrape against my neck! Doug even commented yesterday on my long slender neck. At first I thought it was a creepy compliment, like he might have some weird giraffe fetish, and frankly, I'm too broke to buy any more costumes. Then I looked in the mirror and there it was- my NECK! Not my bulky head-holder-upper that I've been used to, but this gorgeous pillar connecting my slightly more defined jaw to my lazily undefined (yet still less chubby) shoulders. I guess this means I need to break out the dumbbells today and pick back up on the work we started before our Christmas break...

Also, I apparently didn't go as overboard as I'd feared, as I have lost another pound this week.

183.6. One more pound will be my first 10 down. I'm 18 lbs away from what my driver license says. I can finally commit myself to a lifestyle of truth telling once I have achieved this.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I want to talk to you about stockings. Not the slutty kind I'll be strutting around in about 4 lbs from now, but the kind my mother in law fills to the brim with candy every Christmas.

We're a family of four, but half of the family is under mass-candy-consumption age. We had 4 stockings of candy, and when these were emptied into a wal-mart bag, it barely tied closed at the handles.

It took a good amount of willpower to sort through, pull out the fruit rollups and peanuts for Cary's snacks, as well as a few Three Musketeers and Special Dark fun sized bad boys for my dirty lady time (I'd buy them anyway, except the full sized bar and then hate myself all day for not being able to have just a bite). But I did it, packed them up and sent them to work with Doug so he could enjoy them at his leisure, be popular among his colleagues and more importantly, get the Reeses, Milky Way's and peppermint patties out of my greedy grasp.

I don't want her to stop doing this- someday when my kids become, well, kids they'll love it and it'll be a treat since we don't keep candy around. Grandma will be a hero, and I love those little traditions. However, it seems like these things just keep coming up, testing me. I was able to refrain from eating my own weight in chocolate sexheaven this time, but I don't know if I can every time.

Side note- I'm sorry I haven't been on top of the strength training stuff. My underarms feel pretty gross and I know I should really especially be doing stuff for my triceps, because if I don't you will, and its gonna be major armdeath. Same goes for abs. Problem is, my carpet smells bad and until I steam clean it next week I am afraid to get too close. Crab walking, crunching, and oh dear god planks are kind of hard to do when you're afraid of your own flooring.

Now that you're thoroughly disgusted by my slovenly home life, have a great day!
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I am back on track! My dad is picking up Al's Cafe for lunch and I'm not even getting the Philly Cheese Steak (even though it is my mostfavoriteintheworld) and instead opted for a salad. Take that Christmas! You won't ruin my plans for a gut that doesn't wobble that easily!

-Burly

Dear Lamont,

Without incriminating myself, I will admit to overeating, it tasted great but felt horrible. I actually found myself cursing the holiday and unable to wait to get back on track with my normal food, which I suppose is a breakthrough for me. I still had no self control whatsoever when it came to Doug's mom's cottage potatoes.

I don't know if that is something I'll ever get rid of though, I overeat. I shove so much down my gullet that it surprises me that it all fits. Its got to be a lot like being an alcoholic. Unfortunately, food as a habit is kind of one of those things that no one really takes that seriously. Its not like family will put out the O'Douls of the food world on Christmas because the foodaholic is there, they'll keep on keepin' on with the sausages and potato salad. In fact, I had to plead with my mother in law to only serve up a single piece of pumpkin pie on my plate- which I would have gladly eaten if it were in front of me. Deep dish pie? Yes, please!

So there you have it. I ate poorly, I won't do it today, and probably not tomorrow either, but for now, that's all I can foresee. Now to eat some fiber and fuck my shit up with crunches, pushups and your eternally evil power jacks!

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I'm not even gonna write you for the next two days, you'll smell the onion dip and German sausage and Hawaiian meatballs and baklava on my breath. Going on a futile run tonight to burn a few calories preemptively. (hahahahahahahayeahright)

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Where is my energy? Isn't this whole "healthy lifestyle" business supposed to be filled with energy? And with all the fiber and spinach (and other things that I used to ignore in hopes that they'd just go away) in my diet, I feel like I should be bouncing off the walls like my toddler. He lives on chicken nuggets and pancakes and crayon wrappers. Apparently his diet works for him.

Of course, sleeping solidly for more than 4 hours at a time would probably help. Send that memo to the 10 month old who LOVES playing at 1 AM.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

All the snippy remarks and witty retorts aside, I really hate myself right now. Not going down that road again. Panda can keep their Express to themselves.

Working out like its going out of style,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I hope you keep in mind that I have been eating like a fat girl my whole life, and the last 4 years, more often than not I've been eating like a pregnant fat girl. Habits are pretty hard to change, but I'm trying.

Sopleaseforgivethepandaexpresstonightthanks.

That said, I did only go 73 calories over my daily limit.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Maybe I'm crazy. I say this only because I'm starting to see things your way, and I know you're crazy- you say so yourself every time you introduce a new workout. But in all honesty, I am really getting a kick out of putting the proper fuel in my body. I've been using a calorie counter online and it also gives graphs of RDA/AI so I can keep track of how I'm doing on Carbs, Fiber, Protein and all of the vitamins and minerals. I just really, really geeked out over the hike in my Vitamin C when I added just 3 extra-large strawberries to my cereal.

You're probably not that impressed, and you may give me wall squats for just being a dummy and not realizing that strawberries are a source of Vitamin C, but whatever... going back to my breakfast. I'm not even going to close my eyes and pretend its Captain Crunch today.

Love,
Burly

P.S. I added the link because I just think I'm really clever for being able to do so. I CAN BLOG!

Dear Lamont,

I thought I'd be able to monitor my food intake really well because I am a Stay At Home Mom. This was before I realized that our refrigerator is a Stay At Home Fridge.

Lobb(this is "love", only said through the mouthful of cheese filter),
Burly

Dear Lamont,

There has been talk of a bikini car wash, and I desperately don't want to forever be the girl in the one piece. In board shorts. And a t-shirt. I want to be a hoe on a corner in a two piece and heels promising people a dirty time and a clean car.

Please help me look less pregnant.

Love Handles,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I really fucked up my knee last night at the party. Probably from carrying two screaming children while wearing heels. I know I was doing some cray-cray extensions with that. So tonight, I won't be doing my plyometrics homework. I will be doing some laying on my back ab workouts from exercizeTV ondemand.

This sucks. See you tomorrow night at practice, hobbly or not.

Brokenly yours,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I was all set to screw myself up on a cookie bender, but realized just in time that today is our one monthiversary. A month ago I was in the worst pain of my life, including childbirth, thanks to you, and I've lost 8 lbs under your guidance (read as: fear of pushups)so I wasn't able to justify the 25 cookies I was planning on eating. Instead I just had 4 of the little 1 1/2 inch bad boys and called myself satiated. Because I really am. And now, I can have dinner because I've only set myself back 171 calories.

With cravings held hostage,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I have news. I have lost weight. Well... you won't actually know about this weight because to your scale it'll just look like I'm maintaining, but let me tell you, its been a lot of work getting rid of 4 mystery pounds this week.

Where do they come from? I like to think its my gigantic bulging muscles that cause such huge weight gains, but you can only use that excuse so much before people start to notice that you still have people-of-Wal-Mart arms.

Anyway, I also wanted to report that while I was no saint last night at the NoTown Christmas Party (potato products and cheese and eggnog? I am weak in their presence) I was, for lack of better word, restrained. I only filled my plate once and I worked really hard to pretend that dessert was a steaming pile of baby poop and it worked. And I'm back to 184.6 lbs again.

Also, thank you for killing my ability to walk today. I'll be caring for my children from the sofa. They can find their lunch in the cookie and cracker crumbs that are in the carpet because I haven't been able to vacuum today due to my rubberlegs. I can tell I'll be looking like Lady Gaga in no time. I'll have my Hair-bow and latex dress at the ready.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I'm sorry my children were preventing me from doing power jumps today, but to be fair, I was squatting with a 26 lb weight. A 26 lb screaming and wiggling weight. Also, Amanda and I waited until you were safely out of the parking lot and down the road before we left so that you wouldn't follow us to McDonalds. Don't worry, I didn't profane my temple- I had a spinach salad for lunch- but i have absolutely no qualms about McNuggets and chocolate milk for the boy. Just think of it as investing in the future- someday he'll come to you hoping to get in shape too! I do what I can.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

Even though Fiber One Cereal (the stuff that looks like rabbit food) tastes better with sugar on top, I just put berries in instead. I hope you're happy.

In other news, I found my neck today. Looks like the chins are beginning to recede. So don't judge me when I step on the scale today and I've gained 2 lbs, its all neck muscle.

Love,
Burly

Dear Lamont,

I may or may not have just been standing in the dark in the kitchen eating more of that pasta salad with my hands greedily dipping into the plastic Vons Deli container. Don't worry, I've already counted the calories and I'm only 114 over my daily limit. And I've preemptively done a 1 minute wall squat. See you tomorrow for my off skates paining session. Oh wait, did I say paining? I mean training.

Love,
Burly

Drinks on me

Dear Lamont,

Today I was at Starbucks. That alone probably qualifies me for at least 3 minutes of wall squats. Usually I have iron willpower and I order a Tall Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte, a teeny 90 calories, but today I let the holidays get the better of me. Its just that I had been talking to Amanda and she'd said the words. You know the words, White Mocha. They make me shudder with guilty delight. So I'm in the drive through at The 'Bucks and all ready to be good when the barista asks if I'd like a Peppermint White Mocha. Yes, I would like a VENTI peppermint white mocha, how funny you should ask, but before I could correct my mistake, the deed had been done.

I have this thing about drinking my frou-frou coffees at home, so I started sipping it as I looked it up on the Starbucks website.

Did you know that a Venti Peppermint White Mocha is as many calories as no mayo Whopper with cheese?

Clearly fucked, I took a last sip, shimmied into the kitchen and poured the last half into the sink.

What I did wasn't easy, but I also know that 50 push-ups aren't easy either. You win this time.

Love,
Burly

P.S. I just made some green tea so I wouldn't snack and Amanda came by with PESTO FREAKIN' PASTA SALAD. I'm now enjoying my green tea with a side of guilt. So I'll just add this- SHE HAD A BROWNIE TODAY. Okay, now we're even.